By Stu Helm, Food Fan

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Hello again, Readers of AVLToday.com! First of all, wow, I gotta say thanks to all of you, because Mary and the staff at AVLToday told me that my Top 10 Eats list was very well received and got a lot of clicks last month! Yay! That makes me super-happy, and since that list went over so well, let's just keep on gettin' listy wit it!

"It's getting warm outside at long last (fingers crossed) so, how about a… Top Ten Places To Eat Outside list?

But… before we get started, I have a lil' bit of a caveat: I hate the sun.

It's true. I'm that rare person who is negatively phototactic (yes that's a term I learned by watching the reboot of Lost in Space on Netflix, in which Parker..."

It's true. I'm that rare person who is negatively phototactic (yes that's a term I learned by watching the reboot of Lost in Space on Netflix, in which Parker Posey delivers what might actually be a genius-level performance in the role of the nefarious Dr. Smith… watch it!!!) which means that I am physically compelled to move away from light sources, in this case the dreaded sun. Sunshine hurts me. It hurts my eyes. It hurts my skin. It punishes my soul in an oppressive manner that is sometimes #always intolerable to me. On top of just hating the crap out of it, I'm literally allergic to it! It makes me sneeze. No joke! It's a hereditary thing. When the sunshine hits my eyes a certain way, I sneeze. The sunshine made my Grandma sneeze too, and she was the only other person in my family with blue eyes, so I think it might be a blue-eyed thing. Not sure. Not a scientist.

Anyhoodles… Yes, booo to the sun, but when it ain't touchin' directly on me, I lerv to sit outside and enjoy this fresh mountain air, which really can't be beat, so I have – of course – been scoping out all the best outdoor seating areas in downtown for years, routing out the ones that offer complete or partial shade for some or part of the day! Here are just a few…

10 Places To Dine Outdoors in Asheville and NOT be Cooked Alive by the Super-Harmful Rays of the Sun

10. Double D’s Coffee Bus - The patio at Double D's on Biltmore Ave is pleasantly dappled with sunshine and shade from the large trees that grow on the tiny property that the bus has occupied for umpty-dump years. I can deal with dappled sunshine. In fact, depending on the sun-to-shade-ratio I'm down with a good dappling. Yeah, man. Dapple me. Anyhoo, while enjoying the dappled patio at Double D’s, you can also enjoy an ITALIAN CREAM SODA! Yes, the coffee from "the coffee bus" is great and I love it, but this time, just to switch things up, I'm recommending the Italian cream sodas. They're made with real cream! And they are some of the best things ever.

9. Foggy Mountain Brew Pub - One of Asheville's best hidden-in-plain-sight secrets is known by the locals simply as "Foggy." Inside, it's a typical pub: Nice and dark and bar-like, but comfy and homey at the same time, with great food, and sometimes live music and special events. The outdoor seating is in the back, and is one of those you-pick-'em places in terms of where you sit in relation to how much sunshine you want touching you. There's dappled and direct. You can even find tables that have both. I sometimes dine with friends and loved ones who don't hate the sunshine the way I do, so it's nice to have a place with a li'l bit of each. The owners of Foggy Mountain are originally from Wisconsin, so be sure to order anything involving cheese, and specifically I will recommend the SMOKED TOMATO ALFREDO, with chicken and bacon. It will stick to your ribs… for the next week.

8. OWL Bakery - Okay, so it's not downtown, but OWL Bakery in West Asheville has perhaps the best dappled outdoor seating in all of Asheville, so I had to include them on the list. Nobody dapples it better. The seating is behind the cute little house / shop / bakery, and it's all trees and mulch and mellow vibes 'n' stuff back there. Or at least it was the last time I went. West Asheville has so many children these days, it might have been invaded by now. Scope it out for yourselves. For food, pretty much everything at OWL is gonna be great, but I've been super into their PORRIDGE BREAD lately. Just toasted, with butter and jam it's delicious. Or if they have it featured on a sandwich or breakfast entree, go for that. It's a coarse, hearty bread, that gets crispy but not hard when it's toasted. Yerm!

7. Lexington Avenue Brewery aka LAB - The front patio at Lexington Avenue Brewery sees very little direct sunshine. Though it is pleasantly breezy, airy, and wide-open to the sidewalk in front, it is also deeply recessed and covered by a large architectural overhang that provides the perfect shelter from the storm. The flaming Hell storm of sunshine, that is. Of course, all Summer long this patio is mostly packed full with people visiting Asheville from far-flung areas, or even just the "bridge and tunnel" crowd, who love to drink beer and gawk at the "freaks" walking past on Lexington Ave.

WARNING: Gawking at freaks in Asheville might result in a friendly smile. The normal human response is to smile back. This has been a public service announcement from Stu Helm.

For food at LAB, I'm going to recommend the LAB BEEF SLIDERS, because, duh, it's three tiny burgers. Plus it's topped with blue cheese bacon sauce, and pomme frites. And it's made outta cows that are fed the spent grains from the beer making process right there at the brewery. So, y'know… the beautiful cycle of life.

6. Social Lounge - As Asheville's oldest shortest food writer, I just had to include Asheville's oldest, shortest rooftop bar on my list this month! It is mercifully shady… sometimes. The Social Lounge on Broadway is only one story high, and has an unobstructed view of.. well… some trees and a wall that basically obstruct the view of anything else, but whatevs! It's cozy AF, and I love it. Now, make no mistake, when the sun is hitting it, whoa, BRUTAL, so they do have awnings, because even the sunshine people find it to be too much at times, buhhhhht at certain times of the day… BOOM. Shade. Full. On. SHAAADE. Add a breeze, and it's one of downtown Asheville's greatest outdoor pleasures. For food, you've got the whole Strada menu at your disposal, so I say order-up some of their FLORENTINE RAVIOLI. They are giant-sized ravioli, stuffed with ricotta cheese, par-boiled, then finished on the grill, served with a tomato sherry cream sauce, grated Pecorino cheese, wilted arugula, and a balsamic drizzle. It's frickin’ goooood.

5. Capella on 9 - From the oldest and shortest rooftop bar in town, to the tallest and the newest one, located right down the street, on the 9th floor of the brand new AC Hotel. Now, much like its little friend down the way, Capella is only shady at certain times of the day, BUT, unlike the Social rooftop, you can move from the small balcony on the front of the building, to the large rooftop on the back, and vice versa, with the shifting sun patterns. Plus, both areas have overhangs for shade-cravers like me to hide under, that also create sharp contrasts from sunny to shady areas, so if I'm with a total sun-worshipper, we can actually find a seat that is split right down the middle. Food? They make these awesome "SUSHI NACHOS," that sound trashy, but are really really tasty. Seared tuna (or ask if they'll serve it up raw, true sushi style for you) on deep-fried wontons, with various fixin's and such. Doubt me if you will, but it's the bomb, I'm telling you what.

4. Red Ginger Dim Sum – The shade provided to the outdoor diners at Red Ginger is of the “architectural overhang” variety, combined with shady-side-of-the –street syndrome. For most of the day, this delightful enclave is a cool oasis, offering some respite from the intense sunshine that is turning the sidewalk into a hotplate just a few feet away. For food, I’m gonna recommend the “BEEF MEETS SHRIMP,” which is a shrimp tempura roll, topped with rib-eye steak, spicy mayo, and crispy fried garlic flakes. Sounds a little weird, I know, but I guarantee you: It’s real good.

3. Trade & Lore Coffee - Located on Wall street (a street named after a wall) T&L is not only one of the few truly "bohemian" style cafes left in Asheville, and not only my 2016 and 2017 Stoobie Award winners for "Best Cafe" in Asheville, but they also boast one of the most pleasantly shaded outdoor seating areas in all of downtown, with a large overhang that provides shade for most of the day, and the 8 story-high Self Help / Public Service building on the opposite side of the street casting its shadow on it for the rest of the day. For food I recommend COFFEE! Start your day with a big fat latte. Go back at lunchtime for a cappuccino. After work is the perfect time for a cortado. And they're open daily until 9pm, so you can do a shot of straight espresso to get you through the night.

2. The Haywood Park Cafe inside the Atrium at The Haywood Park Hotel - Okay, okay, so technically, it's not "outside," but it's just like being outside… in a post apocalyptic world, where the human race is confined to living in glass-domed city-states that allow us to survive on an otherwise environmentally devastated Earth. Think Logan's Run … which is an intentionally 1970's reference, because the Atrium definitely feels like the 1970's to me. Which, in a strange way, is my happy place. I never thought I'd miss the 1970's… until the 1980's, 90's, and 2000's all proved to be absolute crap. I make fun, but I actually really love the atrium, and I'm a frequent flyer when the weather is so hot outside that even the shade won't protect me from the intense solar radiation. Ahhhh… It’s called “air conditioning,” my friends. I don't care what all y'all hippies think, I frickin' LOVE air conditioning, and the atrium has it in spades. It's like a meat locker in there all Summer long. What should you eat while sitting in the "outdoor" seating area of the Haywood Park Cafe? I'm tempted to just say "coffee" again, because they serve Dynamite Roasting coffee, which is some of the best in WNC, but, I'm gonna say this instead: Pop into the Chocolate Fetish before entering the dome, and grab a PISTACHIO or CASHEW "FROG," as they call them, to go with your coffee. The frogs are large, weighty, dark or milk chocolate cup-like things, filled with nuts and caramel. They are fabulous, and go great with coffee.

1.Mojo Kitchen & Lounge - Okay, I know I write about Mojo a LOT, but that's because I like it a lot! The food is great, the people are really nice, and the atmosphere inside is dark, cozy, and funky (in a good way), PLUS they have THEE shadiest outdoor seating in Asheville. Well.. I don't mean shady as in sketchy… usually… I mean that there is never ever a drop of direct sunshine hitting the patio / porch outside of Mojo. Not one. Zero drops. It's on the Southern side of College Street, right across from Table, Tops for Shoes, Adorn, and Lexington Corner Market, under in the shadow of the BB&T building. I don't think the sun has hit that side of College Street since 1965, or perhaps in the entire history of the planet.Since it has never been warmed by the rays of the sun, Mojo’s porch is a good three-to-ten degrees cooler than most, if not all, of the rest of the outdoor seating in downtown on a hot day. As for food… I recommend the SPECIALS BOARD. I look to Chef A.J.'s special's board at Mojo more than any other specials board in town. Even if I go in thinking, "umma hava burger," about half the time, I take one look at that specials board and change my mind on the spot.

Okay, so there ya go! If you're like me, and you want to eat the best food in Asheville, while enjoying the weather, without having to endure the horrible abuse to your eyesight, skin, general health, and emotional state caused by exposure to the direct sunshine, you can use this list, plus scout around yourself, and find your own good spots to eat outside in the shade!

When people tell me that the sun has vitamin D in it, I ask them if vitamin D cures skin cancer. (Hint: It does not.)

I'm really enjoying writing for AVLToday, I hope that you are finding my lists amusing and useful, I'll have another for you next month! In the meantime, please follow me on Facebook, Instagram, and on my own website – StuHelmFoodFan.com. Thanks for reading!

– Stu Helm Food Fan